The Many Ways We Love: A Relationship Exploration
This blog is part one of a three-part series accompanying videos (these can be found on our Instagram page here) intended to: part 1 - explore ethical non-monogamy, part 2 - brief the history of non-monogamy, and part 3 - answer the question: who is happier…those in monogamous relationships or non-monogamous structures? I love relationships and am excited for this exploration!
Let’s dive in…
When it comes to how people build relationships, there is an incredibly diverse range of styles and structures - far beyond what is often visible in mainstream culture. Relationships can be as unique as the individuals and partners within them, a beautiful part of our complexities as humans.
When people not familiar with relational structures outside of typical monogamy hear the term ethical non-monogamy - or ENM - their first reaction is often surprise, confusion, or discomfort. “How do people even do that? I could never.” It’s a common response shaped by the belief that monogamy is the only “natural” or morally acceptable way to build good, healthy relationship.
But in truth: Ethical non-monogamy isn’t a modern trend. It’s a re-emergence of relational structures that have existed throughout human history. What makes it ethical is the intentional focus on honesty, consent, and open communication. ENM is an umbrella term that encompasses diverse relational styles, offering a broad framework with many different ways of being practiced. It’s important to remember those practicing ENM may have different variations of definitions based on what works best for them individually and within their partnership! As with many aspects of human connection, it’s less about thinking in black and white and more about seeing relationships on a spectrum - fluid, diverse, and shaped by the unique needs and values of those involved.
Common Forms of Ethical Non-Monogamy
🔹 Polyamory
Having multiple loving, emotionally intimate relationships with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Emphasis is often on love, connection, and long-term relationships with more than one partner.
🔹 Open Relationships
A committed couple opens their relationship to sexual or romantic experiences with others with agreements on boundaries, frequency, and whether emotional connection is/is not involved.
🔹 Relationship Anarchy
Rejects traditional relationship hierarchies and labels, allowing each connection to develop naturally without predefined rules. Prioritizes autonomy, consent, and fluidity in defining each relationship individually.
🔹 Swinging
Typically involves committed couples who engage in sexual experiences with other couples or individuals. Generally focuses on sexual exploration rather than forming additional romantic relationships.
🔹 Monogamish
A term popularized by Dan Savage describing couples who are mostly monogamous but allow occasional sexual experiences with others, often with certain rules or limitations.
Ethical non-monogamy at its core is about ensuring that everyone’s needs and boundaries are known, respected, and prioritized. In reality, ethical non-monogamy has endless ways of being practiced. If a couple (or individual) can imagine it, communicate it clearly, and approach it with honesty and care, it can often be created in a way that fits their unique needs, desires, and values.
One of the biggest misconceptions about ENM is that it’s inherently chaotic, immoral, or simply “too complicated.” In reality, ENM isn’t defined by who or how many people you’re connecting with - but rather how those connections are navigated. Its foundation rests on key principles:
Consent: All parties are aware of, and agree to, the relationship structure.
Honesty and open communication: Talking about needs, desires, boundaries, and discomforts is expected rather than avoided.
Commitment to ethical behavior: Ensuring that choices are made with care, integrity, and respect for everyone involved.
Navigating Emotions in All Relationship Styles
Just like any other relationship, ethical non-monogamy is not free from discomfort or emotional challenge. But a common belief is it produces unnecessary drama and pain. The truth is, difficult feelings, things like insecurity, fear, jealousy, longing, or discomfort - are a part of every relationship, regardless of structure. These feelings don’t just exist in ENM. They exist because relationships involve humans with complex emotions.
What ENM offers is an intentional framework to name, explore, and move through those feelings with transparency and mutual care. Instead of avoiding or denying uncomfortable emotions, or suppressing desire, many ENM practices encourage direct conversation, self-reflection, and collaborative problem-solving. This doesn’t mean ENM is always easy or that everyone is suited for it. But it does highlight that challenges are not exclusive to one relationship style - they are part of being in connection with others. The difference is how intentionally those challenges are approached, understood, and navigated together.
It’s also worth reflecting on how society tends to critique ENM while romanticizing monogamy. Despite monogamy being upheld as the gold standard of commitment, roughly 50% of monogamous or committed relationships still experience infidelity. This isn’t shared to shame monogamy, but rather to highlight that it’s not relationship structure alone that determines stability or fulfillment - it’s how partners communicate, align on values, and navigate challenges together.
Ethical non-monogamy isn’t a fit for everyone, just as monogamy doesn’t feel best for others. Relationship styles are not markers of moral worth, maturity, or sophistication - they’re simply frameworks that may or may not align with our values, desires, and capacity. What matters is knowing ourselves deeply enough to choose consciously, rather than defaulting out of fear or social conditioning.
In Part 2 of the video/blog series we’ll explore the idea that monogamy is not something we are biologically or evolutionarily hardwired for. Instead, it is a social construct that has developed over time - shaped by cultural, religious, and economic influences. Understanding this history can open the door to greater self-compassion, curiosity, and agency in choosing how we want to build and define relationships in our own lives.
Good reflection questions:
What comes up when you hear the term ethical non-monogamy?
Do you notice assumptions, judgments, fears, or curiosity?
How were you taught to define “healthy relationships,” and do those definitions still feel true for you today?
*These resources are shared for educational purposes only; they are not a substitute for treatment, and as is true with all research, there are limitations - we encourage you to do your own exploration and consider each source critically.
**For more literature and resources on relationships and ethical non-monogamy, visit our resources page:
