Top Couples Therapy Myths (What Partners Really Need to Know)
When people think about couples therapy, a lot of myths and misconceptions pop up. It’s common for partners to come in and say things like:
“If one of us would change, we wouldn’t need therapy at all.”
“We’ve tried talking about our feelings, it’s obviously not working.”
“Therapists just tell you to communicate more.”
Sound familiar? The truth is, these myths can prevent partners from seeking the support that could actually strengthen their connection before challenges become a major crisis.
As a couple’s therapist, it’s important to clear up common misconceptions and show what relationship therapy is truly about. The more we understand the process, the easier it becomes to let go of outdated myths and lean into the work that creates space for healing.
Myth 1: Couples Therapy Is Only for Relationships in Trouble
Truth: Therapy is proactive relationship care.
Therapy isn’t just about fixing problems - it’s about building resilience. Think of couple’s therapy like preventative care for your relationship. When considering our health and wellness we all know those people who wait until things are dire to go to the doctor. Often the doctor ends up giving some bullshit advice like clean up your diet, drink more water, exercise more and visit your healthcare providers more frequently to prevent more severe issues later on – annoying right? Similarly, as the doctor prescribes preventative care for our health, a little effort can go a long way in our relationships. A lot of couples wait until they are drowning and feel completely helpless before coming to therapy. But proactive counseling can help partners check-in, increase emotional intimacy and stay connected, and keep things strong before small issues turn into a web of larger problems.
💡Therapist tip: The strongest couples are often the ones who seek support early. Therapy is most effective when used as a tune-up, not just a last resort.
Myth 2: Therapy Will Change My Partner
Truth: Therapy works best when both partners look inward.
It’s incredibly common for one partner to come into therapy with the hope (or even the expectation) that the therapist will help “fix” the other person. Maybe they think, “If only they would communicate better, everything would be fine,” or “They’re the one with the problem, not me.”
But here’s the thing: therapy isn’t about one person being the project and the other person being the observer. It’s about the relationship as a whole - which means each partner plays a role in the dynamic, even if it looks uneven on the surface.
When partners come in focused only on what the other person needs to change, it’s usually a defense mechanism…and it makes sense – sometimes we are at our wits end. But relational growth happens when both partners are willing to reflect on their own patterns - whether that’s how they handle conflict, how they express needs, or how they respond when things get tense. A hard truth is we can only control ourselves.
💡Therapist tip: Instead of asking, “When will they change?” try asking, “What can I do differently that might shift our dynamic?” Even small, individual adjustments on one side can create big ripple effects in the relationship.
This Relational Reflection Worksheet is great for self-exploration & can be a meaningful conversation starter for partners to do together!
Myth 3: The Therapist Will Take Sides in Couples Counseling
Truth: Good therapy is about the pattern, not the person.
One of the most common fears couples bring in is that therapy will feel like a courtroom - where the therapist plays judge and decides who’s right and who’s wrong. But that’s not how effective couples therapy works.
Instead of taking sides, a good therapist zooms out to look at the relational cycle clients are caught in - the recurring pattern that keeps playing out. Maybe one of you withdraws while the other pushes harder. Maybe criticism meets defensiveness on repeat. These loops feel personal in the moment, but they’re common relationship patterns, not personality flaws.
The role of the therapist isn’t to declare a winner, but to help both partners see the dance they’re in - and help the couple find new ways to change the dynamic. By shifting the focus from blame to collaboration, couples can find fresh ways to connect, communicate, and repair.
*By nature, I am a more direct therapist. If I notice a partner showing patterns that get in the way of the therapeutic process, I’ll name it and offer insight - always with respect, but also with accountability. Picking a therapist with a style that fits you and your partner best is an important part of the counseling process!
💡Therapist tip: If you ever feel a sense of bias in the room, bring it up. A strong therapeutic relationship should feel safe, balanced, and supportive for both partners. Therapists need feedback too, it’s valuable to the success of the therapeutic work!
Myth 4: Couples Therapy Is Just About Communication Skills
Truth: Therapy is about deeper connection, not just better conversations.
Yes, communication matters - learning to listen well, express yourself clearly, and speak without attacking or shutting down is an important part of the process. But focusing only on “talking better” misses the bigger picture.
Couples therapy goes further. It looks at the why beneath your words:
Attachment styles: How your early experiences shape the way you connect, protect, or distance in relationships.
Core needs: What each of you truly longs for in the relationship - like security, affection, partnership, or freedom.
Conflict patterns: The recurring cycles you fall into when things get tense, whether it’s stonewalling, criticism, or avoidance.
Future planning: How you build a shared vision around family, finances, intimacy, and goals so your partnership grows with you.
The goal isn’t just to tweak your communication - it’s to understand each other more deeply and design a relationship structure that feels safe, supportive, and aligned with the people you are today.
💡Therapist tip: Pay attention to where your conversations stall, spiral, or never get resolved. That’s often the entry point for deeper work - not just about changing words, but about healing the dynamics underneath.
Myth 5: Therapy Will Save the Relationship
Truth: Therapy offers clarity - but the outcome depends on the work and the willingness of both partners.
Couples therapy is powerful, but it isn’t magic. It provides tools, insights, and a safe space to do the hard work of untangling patterns and building new ones. But it only works if both partners are willing to show up, be vulnerable, and put in the effort. Therapy can’t do the work for you.
And here’s the harder truth: sometimes what couples discover in the process is that the relationship needs a major restructuring - or, in some cases, that it’s healthiest to part ways. That doesn’t mean therapy has “failed.” In fact, helping partners gain clarity, communicate honestly, and separate with compassion can be just as healing as strengthening a bond that continues.
Couples therapy isn’t about guaranteeing a happily ever after together - it’s about creating a more authentic story for each partner and their relationship. Whether that means deeper intimacy, redefined roles, or respectful closure, the outcome reflects the effort, openness, and honesty you bring into the room.
💡Therapist tip: Enter therapy with curiosity, not certainty. The goal isn’t to force a particular result, but to uncover the healthiest path forward for both of you.
Why Learning More About Couples Therapy Matters
When myths about therapy go unchecked, couples delay seeking support until small cracks become unmanageable breaks. The truth is, relationship therapy is for anyone who wants to feel more connected, understood, and aligned - whether you’re newly dating, engaged, or decades into marriage, in a queer or straight dynamic, monogamous or open/exploring non-monogamy.
The healthiest partners don’t avoid therapy. They embrace it as one of the many tools available for staying close, resilient, and intentional in their relationship journey.
✨Bottom line: The real aim of therapy isn’t a flawless relationship; it’s finding ways to stay curious on the developmental process of relational growth. Because at the end of the day knowing yourself and your partner(s) more deeply and learning how to create the changes you both need is a big ass win.
👉 Ready to rewrite the narrative for your relationship? Let’s talk about it.
Still a little unsure if starting therapy is the right path for you?
Check out this Relational Reflection Worksheet for some go-to conversations I think are vital for all partnerships!
