Wants, Needs, and Expectations: Why Clarity Matters in Relationships
In relational counseling, partners often put a lot of effort into expressing their wants, needs, and expectations in hopes of feeling understood and supported. But they often use these words interchangeably, which means when they try to express what they’re feeling to their partner, the deeper message can be missed, or misunderstood completely.
When this pattern shows up, it’s easy to feel frustrated, disappointed, or even hopeless. Partners start reacting to each other’s behavior without understanding what’s actually beneath it. A missed date night becomes a symbol of ‘I’m not a priority’ (fear of abandonment or not being valued). A lack of physical affection gets taken as ‘They’re not attracted to me anymore’ (fear of rejection or unworthiness). But often, the core issue isn’t just behavior - it’s a deeper disconnect around what we value, what we require, and what we assume a healthy relationship should look like.
That’s where being able to identify and understand ‘Wants, Needs, and Expectations’ comes in.
Understanding the Difference
Before diving into the framework, it’s important to name something: no partner will meet 100% of our wants, needs, and expectations. In fact, we often talk in couples therapy about the 80/20 principle. This idea suggests that a partner might be a great fit about 80% of the time, and the remaining 20% may include quirks, habits, or differences that aren’t ideal. That 20% doesn’t automatically mean we’re with the wrong person, it often just means we’re in a real relationship, with its own unique complexities.
Here’s the key: not all 20% is created equal. If that gap includes things that touch on our core needs, the things we truly can’t thrive without - that 20% can start to feel much heavier. This is where self-awareness becomes essential. Identifying what’s in our 80%, and what lives in the 20%, helps us discern whether we’re navigating normal relational imperfection - or trying to survive without something vital. Learning to sort through what truly matters versus what we can flex on is part of building something real and sustainable.
Let’s break them down:
Wants
Wants are the things that make a relationship sweeter, more joyful, more fun. They’re the small, meaningful touches that add color to our connection - like shared hobbies, spontaneous adventures, inside jokes, thoughtful surprises, or affectionate texts just because. These are the gestures and dynamics that create a sense of play, emotional warmth, and romantic spark.
We don’t need these things to feel emotionally safe or grounded in the relationship - but when they’re present, they elevate the experience. And when they’re missing, it’s easy to feel like something’s just a little off.
➡️ Unmet wants often lead to disappointment - not destruction.
Needs
Needs are non-negotiables. These are our foundational requirements for emotional, relational, and physical safety and well-being. They aren’t about preference or convenience - they’re about what allows us to feel secure, seen, and emotionally connected in a relationship. Think: honesty, emotional availability, mutual respect, shared responsibility, and the ability to navigate hard conversations without blame or withdrawal.
Unlike wants, unmet needs don’t just create disappointment - they create distress. Over time, if our needs are consistently dismissed, minimized, or unmet, the relationship starts to erode from the inside out. We may begin to question our worth, suppress parts of ourselves, or feel like we’re constantly trying to prove that what we need is reasonable.
➡️ Unmet needs lead to emotional and relational disconnect - often the kind that can’t be fixed with a date night or kind gesture.
Expectations
Expectations are often inherited. They’re shaped by our family systems, cultural messages, past relationships, or even what we absorb from movies and social media. They can show up as assumptions about how we think love should look - like believing that partners should always say “good morning,” never go to bed angry, or have a certain level of emotional or physical intimacy each week.
Expectations aren’t inherently bad - they help us make sense of the world and feel grounded in what’s familiar. But when they go unspoken or unexamined, they become invisible scripts we expect our partners to follow without ever handing them the pages. And when those expectations aren’t met, we often feel let down or even disrespected, without quite understanding why.
That’s because unmet expectations can feel personal, even when they’re not. What starts as “I wish they’d do this” can quickly turn into “If they cared, they would just know.” That gap between what we believe should happen and what’s actually happening creates friction, misunderstanding, and disconnection.
➡️ Unspoken expectations often lead to confusion, resentment, and emotional distance - especially when one partner is following a rulebook the other didn’t even know existed.
*This dynamic is frequently referred to as "mind reading" in couples therapy, where individuals assume their partner should inherently know their needs or feelings without direct communication. Relying on this assumption can set both partners up for disappointment and conflict. Research indicates that partners are often inaccurate in inferring each other's thoughts and feelings, a concept known as empathic accuracy.
Why This Matters in Real-Life Relationships
When couples confuse wants for needs, or expectations for shared agreements, they end up talking around the issue instead of getting to the heart of it. I’ve seen couples locked in recurring arguments because neither of them has slowed down to ask: “Is this something I want? Something I need? Or something I’m expecting without even realizing it?”
When we don’t make those distinctions, everything starts to feel equally urgent - and it becomes hard to know what to hold firm on and what to negotiate. We may double down on something that feels essential but turns out to be a preference, or stay silent about something we deeply need because we assume it's “too much.”
The result?
All partners end up feeling unheard or misaligned, even when they’re trying to show up for each other.
By naming these clearly, we can:
Better advocate for what matters most to us.
Let go of assumptions that aren’t serving the relationship.
Work with our partner(s) instead of against them.
Create agreements that actually reflect everyone’s reality - not just our own internal script.
How to Use This Framework Together
This reflection process is a powerful tool for deepening mutual understanding - but it only works if we are willing to be honest, curious, and vulnerable. Having these conversations out loud (instead of just in our heads) can help prevent the kinds of miscommunication that often stem from unmet needs, unspoken expectations, or unacknowledged desires. When we take the time to name what we want, what we require, and what we assume, we create space for real connection - rather than leaving each partner to guess or mind-read their way through the relationship.
Try this exercise with your partner(s). Set aside some time when everyone feels relatively calm and open - not in the middle of a disagreement.
Write it out - List 3–5 wants, needs, and expectations you each carry into the relationship.
Get curious - Where did each of those come from? Have you talked about them before, or are they unspoken assumptions?
Compare notes - What overlaps? What surprises you? Are there places where your definitions or priorities differ?
Make agreements - Are there needs you didn’t realize were unmet? Expectations that aren’t realistic or fair to hold your partner to? Can you intentionally build in more of the wants that create joy?
To make this easier, I created a simple worksheet you can use as a guide. Refer to the above questions after completing this activity!
Wants, Needs, and Expectations Worksheet
Final Thought: We’re Allowed to Ask for What We Need
Naming our wants, needs, and expectations isn’t about being “too much” or “too demanding.” It’s about clarity. And clarity builds connection.
If you’re not sure how to begin sorting through these in your relationship - or you find that your needs feel chronically unmet - it may be a sign to dig deeper. Therapy can help us figure out where our expectations are coming from, what our true needs are, and how to communicate those in a way that invites understanding instead of conflict.
We all deserve relationships where we can be known, supported, and seen - for who we are and for what matters most to us. Building healthy, connected relationships is at the heart of the work we do, if you are looking for support navigating your way to better partnership(s) – reach out.
Resources:
Hinnekens, C., Sillars, A., Verhofstadt, L. L., & Ickes, W. (2020). Empathic accuracy and cognitions during conflict: An in‐depth analysis of understanding scores. Personal Relationships. doi: 10.1111/pere.12311
Krauss Whitbourne, S. (2020, April 25). How well can you read your partner’s mind? Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/202004/how-well-can-you-read-your-partners-mind
