Roles We Play: The Illusion of Fixed Identities That No Longer Fit

From an early age, we start absorbing messages about who we are - through our families, culture, society, school, achievements, and our personal experiences and relationships. Somewhere along the way, identity can feel cemented into ‘who we are’, ‘what we do’, or ‘what others expect from me.’

So much weight and pressure are put on developing our identity, and once it’s developed - we’re locked in. But what happens when those things shift? What do we do when our story changes, we grow, or feel the urge to pivot? What about when that job ends, the relationship changes, or the way others see us doesn’t feel aligned anymore with who we really are? It’s often in these moments we feel dropped into existential crisis - a deep kind of unraveling where we start asking questions like: Who am I now? What does any of this mean? Where do I go from here? It’s not just about the external change, but the internal disorientation that comes when the identity we’ve held no longer feels like it fits. These moments feel unsettling, and no one likes a shaky foundation. But they can be an invitation to rethink and reimagine who we are - beyond the roles we’ve played, the expectations we’ve carried, or the identities we’ve outgrown.

The Illusion of Fixed Identity

The Human Need for Certainty and Ego Anchoring

Psychologically, identity acts like a safety net. It's the story we tell ourselves to create consistency in a chaotic world. This story includes our job title, family roles, accomplishments, and even our traumas. But these identity anchors aren’t always built on solid ground - they’re often built on external validation and social mirroring. We start to believe we are who others say we are - shaped by praise, feedback, or the roles we’ve been rewarded for. Over time, it becomes easy to confuse being seen a certain way with actually being that way. As a counselor, I often hear this through clients saying things like, “I just don’t feel like myself anymore,” or “I want to feel more authentic, but I’m not sure who that even is.” There’s this quiet ache to reconnect with something deeper - a version of ourselves that feels real, but has gotten buried under years of playing a certain role, outside expectations and pressure, or just doing what we thought we were “supposed” to do.

How Anxiety Drives Identity Attachment

Holding onto a single identity like “I’m the perfectionist,” “I’m the caretaker,” “I’m the responsible one” - creates a safety net. If we always have this thing we’ve tied ourselves to, we can fall back and depend on it. But it’s a fragile kind of safety. When those roles are threatened, the ego panics. We feel anxious not just because the job or relationship might slip away, but because we can’t imagine who we are without it.

Our attachment to identity is often a defense against existential anxiety: if I know who I am, I can pretend the ground beneath me isn't always shifting. That’s why change, even good change, can feel so unsettling. When we tie our worth to a specific role or identity, any disruption can trigger a sense of freefall. It’s not just fear of the unknown, but fear of losing the familiar story that makes us feel like we have a place in the world. Identity, in this way, becomes less about truth and more about control - a way to quiet the deeper questions we don’t always know how to answer.

How Identity Forms: And Why It Doesn’t Always Fit

Identity Is Co-Created in Relationships

We begin forming a sense of self through early attachment and relational dynamics. In attachment theory, a child’s developing identity is shaped through mirroring - how caregivers respond to their emotions, behaviors, and needs. Messages like “you’re the smart one,” “you’re the helpful one,” or “you’re the quiet one” can start to shape not just how a child sees themselves - but who they think they have to be to belong.

If a parent only praises achievement, a child may unconsciously internalize: I am only lovable when I succeed. If emotional expression is dismissed or punished, they may learn: It’s safer to stay quiet or invisible. Over time, these learned roles become identity blueprints - often built more on survival than authenticity. This process is deeply tied to our early attachment experiences. When our core needs for connection, safety, and validation aren’t consistently met, we adapt. We become what seems most acceptable or least likely to be rejected - even if it means losing touch with a part of ourselves. These narratives served an important purpose at that time, as survival requires connection, but they don’t always adapt well as we grow and evolve.

Attachment theory in (very simplified) terms, describes how early relationships shape the way we see ourselves and relate to others. It’s a big topic, but at its core, it helps explain why we often shape our identity around what made us feel safe or accepted growing up. This article is a helpful summary: Attachment Theory.

This doesn’t just stay locked in childhood. These same identity patterns often show up in our adult relationships - with partners, friends, coworkers, marriages, even therapists. You might find yourself becoming the peacemaker, the over-achiever, or the emotionally unavailable one - not because that’s necessarily who you are, but because that’s who you learned to be to keep connection or avoid conflict. The roles we adopt early on can quietly run the show until we start asking: Is this actually me, or just a familiar way to feel safe?

Check out this free quiz to see how attachment might be showing up in your relationship(s).

The Difference Between Internal and External Identity

Much of what we call “identity” is actually a carefully assembled set of roles and behaviors we’ve learned to perform - often to feel safe, accepted, or valued by others. These external identities tend to reflect what the world has mirrored back to us, not necessarily who we are at our core.

This is where the tension begins: the person we’ve become, or our adaptive self may not be the person we are, or our authentic self. And over time, performing an identity that’s out of sync with our inner truth can create anxiety, burnout, or a chronic sense of disconnection…and sometimes even a feeling of disassociation.

Good reflection questions:
• Did I choose this identity, or did it serve a purpose to help me stay safe and/or connected?
• Does this version of me still feel true?
• What am I afraid would happen if I stopped performing this identity?

These questions are uncomfortable - and essential. Because internal identity isn’t performative. It’s the quieter, deeper sense of self that remains when you strip away the roles, expectations, and labels. It’s less about how others see you, and more about how you feel when you're alone with yourself.

Recognizing the difference between these two kinds of identity isn’t about throwing everything away. It’s about making space to consciously choose which parts of us still feel alive, and which ones we’re ready to release.

Permission to Pivot: Letting Go of Identities We’ve Outgrown

Change Isn’t a Crisis – It’s Evolution

True identity is not a fixed label - it’s a developmental process. One day, we might be crushing the to-do list, ambition flowing and motivated to make the next thing happen. Suddenly, we feel the urge to cancel all the plans, lie on the couch, binge watch the show and question our life choices. That doesn’t make us confused or inconsistent. It makes us human - complex, evolving, and responsive to our inner world and external experiences.

Sometimes, as we reconnect with our more authentic identity, we realize certain relationships were built around the version of us that was performing, accommodating, or playing a role to stay safe. When we stop showing up in those ways, the relationship can feel off - or even start to fall apart. Maybe reality hits and we realize, this isn’t what I want or need anymore. That grief is real. But so is the freedom that comes with no longer contorting yourself to fit a dynamic that only served your adaptive self. Growth doesn’t just change how we see ourselves - it can clarify who actually sees us.

So many of us were taught that consistency equals stability, that changing course means failure, or that once we “find ourselves,” we’re supposed to stay put. But here’s a truth I often remind clients (and myself): we are entitled to change and pivot. We are allowed to outgrow versions of ourselves that worked at one point, and just aren’t that appealing, valuable, or in alignment anymore. Wanting different things at different times in life is part of our nuance, let’s accept that and let it flow.

It’s Just Not That Deep, Not Everything Needs ‘Meaning’

When we stop needing to be something impressive or productive all the time, performing outside of what feels more in line and natural for us, we reclaim the ability to simply exist. We don’t need a five-point life purpose. Sometimes our purpose is breathing, observing, connecting, being.

Contrary to hustle culture and societal pressure, we don’t have to have a goal we’re working toward every minute of the day. We’re allowed to have times where our only job is to exist - to breathe, to notice, to just be without trying to turn it into something meaningful.

Not every emotion needs to be fully acknowledged and felt, not every thought needs deep analysis, not all change requires explanation, and not every quiet moment will teach us something.

We forget that existing, especially during certain seasons, is purpose enough. That presence is its own form of power. This doesn’t mean we lose our drive, the work and effort we’ve put in, or even ambition - it means we don’t let it control every thought, emotion, and part of who we are. That purpose alone can be a radical act for our identity by leaving space for the adaptive self to calm down, and the authentic self to step forward.

Differentiating: What Is Yours and What Is Not

A big part of identity work, whether it is done in individual counseling, couples therapy, or family therapy is differentiation. This involves untangling what parts of our identity are truly ours (our wants/desires/needs), what parts we’ve constructed (influenced by others, our relationships, or what we believe others may want from us), and how we can learn to identify, separate, and express those values confidently and safely.

This can look like:

• Reconnecting with what actually lights you up - not what looks good on paper.

• Calling out the roles you’ve outgrown, even if others still benefit from them.

• Dropping the guilt that creeps in when you stop performing for approval.

• Setting boundaries that make space for change.

• Getting clear on your wants, desires, and needs - without apology or explanation.

Ready to Move from Adaptive to Authentic Self?

We’re all human - which means evolving is part of the deal. Identity isn’t fixed, and you don’t need permission to change. Therapy is a collaborative space where that evolution can be explored. If any of this resonates, or if your adaptive self is ready to make room for something that feels more connected and real, reach out. Let’s talk about how we can support your process toward deeper authenticity and lasting change.

McGarvie, S. (2024, November 28). Attachment theory, Bowlby’s stages & attachment styles. Positive Psychology. https://positivepsychology.com/attachment-theory/

The Attachment Project. (2020). Attachment Style Quiz: Free & Fast Attachment Style Test. Attachment Project. https://www.attachmentproject.com/attachment-style-quiz/