The Many Ways We Love: A Relationship Exploration Part II
This blog is part two of a three-part series accompanying videos (these can be found on our Instagram page here) intended to: part 1 - explore ethical non-monogamy, part 2 - brief the history of non-monogamy, and part 3 - answer the question: who is happier…those in monogamous relationships or non-monogamous structures? I love relationships and am excited for the second part of this exploration!
Let’s talk history…
When it comes to how people build relationships, there is incredible diversity in style and structure - far beyond what is often visible in mainstream culture. Relationships can be as unique as the individuals and partners within them, which is a beautiful part of our complexity as humans.
In part one of this series, I shared an overview of ethical non-monogamy (ENM) as an umbrella term encompassing many ways of connecting with others. Today, in part two, we’re exploring the historical context of non-monogamy and how our relationship norms have evolved over time. This concept spans over a looooong course of history, so consider this a baby-briefing, if you’re a history fanatic - this won’t give near enough credit to the rich, lengthy background!
Early Non-Monogamy Across Cultures
Throughout human history, people have engaged in many forms of relational structures. In fact, non-monogamy has been far more common than monogamy in numerous societies. For example, in many early civilizations, practices like polygamy - where an individual has multiple spouses - were not just accepted but often expected within certain social classes or communities.
These practices served important cultural functions, such as:
Strengthening political alliances
Ensuring economic security
Influencing lineage
Expanding social networks
Non-monogamy in these contexts wasn’t viewed as immoral or unethical; it was integrated into daily life as a strategy for communal stability and personal survival.
In contrast, monogamy as a singular ideal is a relatively recent development in human history. When we look at the animal kingdom, only about 1% of species are sexually monogamous (more are socially monogamous). From an evolutionary perspective, strict sexual monogamy can actually pose challenges, as it limits genetic diversity and adaptability within populations. This is why true monogamy, particularly sexual monogamy, is rare even among species considered “pair-bonded,” such as many birds who co-parent yet engage in extra-pair mating. While humans are not birds, these evolutionary realities provide insight into why non-monogamy was so prevalent across human cultures - it allowed greater flexibility, wider genetic distribution, and ensured the survival of communities under changing environmental and social conditions.
The Rise of Monogamy as a Social Norm
Over time, particularly with the rise and spread of Christianity, other religions, and the consolidation of Western legal systems, monogamy became institutionalized as the moral and social standard. Religious teachings emphasized sexual exclusivity as virtuous, linking it to purity, morality, and divine favor. Legally, monogamy simplified issues of inheritance, property rights, and family lineage, which were crucial for maintaining social order, distributing wealth, and regulating kinship ties. In other words, codifying monogamy into law and religion made things easier to understand, govern, and control. We are so complex as humans, but we love to simplify nuanced concepts.
This shift culminated in what we now recognize as the modern Western nuclear family model: two married adults, ideally monogamous (and ideally heterosexual), raising their biological children within a single household. While this model has become dominant in many cultures, it is important to remember it is not universal nor inherently “natural.” It is a social construct shaped by economic systems, religious doctrine, and cultural narratives about love, partnership, and morality.
Non-Monogamy Today
Fast forward to the present day, and we are witnessing a re-emergence and reimagining of non-monogamy in modern contexts. Today, ethical non-monogamy encompasses diverse relational styles such as polyamory, open relationships, monogamish and relationship anarchy. While each has its own specific practices and philosophies, they share a commitment to building relationships grounded in consent, honesty, ethical agreements, and intentional communication.
This rise in visibility is supported by social media communities, therapy and coaching discourses, and a growing body of academic research that challenges outdated assumptions about non-monogamy being inherently unstable or immoral. Instead, many are beginning to recognize ethical non-monogamy (ENM) as a valid and intentional choice for building meaningful, connected lives that reflect one’s values and capacities for love, intimacy, and community.
In the final blog of this three-part series, I will share findings from a recent meta-study examining relational satisfaction between monogamous and non-monogamous couples - exploring who reports greater happiness and why, and what this means for how we define healthy relationships.
Good reflection questions:
How does learning about the historical roots of non-monogamy shift your perspective on it today?
What beliefs about monogamy or non-monogamy have you inherited from family, religion, culture, or society?
Do these beliefs align with your current values and desires for connection?
*These resources are shared for educational purposes only; they are not a substitute for treatment, and as is true with all research, there are limitations - we encourage you to do your own exploration and consider each source critically.
**For more literature and resources on relationships and ethical non-monogamy, visit our resources page.
If you’re curious about how your relationship beliefs align with your values, & are seeking therapeutic support navigating relationship or discovering what relational structure feels best for you, reach out!
