12 Habits That Hurt Intimacy
Intimacy isn’t just about sex or physical attachment - it’s built in the small daily choices we make to show up with care, curiosity, and presence.
Many people think intimacy is something that either exists or doesn’t. But in reality, intimacy is created and maintained through intentional micro-moments - small gestures of empathy, honest communication, kindness, and genuine interest in each other’s inner worlds.
At times, partners find themselves feeling distant or disconnected, wondering “where did our closeness go?” or “things feel ok, but it seems like we’re not really connected”. Often, it’s not a single crisis that erodes intimacy, but a slow accumulation of habits that distance us from our partners.
What is Intimacy?
Intimacy is a word that carries many meanings. For some, it immediately brings to mind sexual closeness; for others, it evokes emotional vulnerability, spiritual connection, or even intellectual sharing.
Psychologically, intimacy includes emotional safety and mutual vulnerability - the sense that we can reveal our authentic self to another person and be met with acceptance, understanding, and care. It involves trust, openness, and the willingness to share our inner world while remaining curious about our partner’s. Intimacy is built through small daily interactions that foster connection, like attuned listening, validating feelings, asking meaningful questions, or sharing quiet companionship without distraction.
Intimacy is not about merging identities or needing to spend every moment together. It is not mind-reading, constant agreement, or unbroken harmony. True intimacy allows for individuality and difference while maintaining a felt sense of closeness. It doesn’t always require grand gestures, and can be nurtured through the ordinary, sometimes unglamorous practices of showing up in our day-to-day interactions. While sexual connection can be a meaningful expression of intimacy, intimacy as a whole is supported and sustained over time through a combination of emotional presence and attunement. Intimacy thrives when partners feel emotionally safe, respected, and valued as they truly are.
12 Habits That Hurt Intimacy:
Ignoring emotional bids for connection
Avoiding honest conversations
Assuming your partner can or should “read your mind”
Dismissing or minimizing each other’s struggles
Comparing your relationship to others
Assuming negative intentions
Letting resentment build without addressing it
Underestimating the value of gratitude
Treating conflicts as battles to win
Placing blame and consistently criticizing
Lacking curiosity
Forgetting to nurture friendship within your relationship
When these habits become the norm, intimacy naturally fades. But the good news is - intimacy can be rebuilt.
How is Intimacy Built or Reestablished?
According to Panganiban (2025),
“For your partner to feel loved, respected, and appreciated, there must be 20 positive interactions for any one negative interaction…every time you accidentally hurt your partner’s feelings, miss a bid, or have an otherwise tense moment in the relationship, you will need to balance that with 20 positive interactions for your partner to continue to feel loved, respected, and admired.” This is separate from the commonly referred to 5:1 ratio, which is specific to interactions within conflict, something that can be read about more here.
Intimacy doesn’t just happen automatically - it’s something we actively create and recreate throughout a relationship. When distance or disconnection starts to grow, rebuilding intimacy often requires intentional shifts in how we show up for each other. Feeling intimately connected with our partner often feels like safety and warmth - knowing we are deeply seen, heard, and accepted as we are. It’s the sense of being at home with each other, where we can let our guard down and share our thoughts, fears, dreams, and joys without fear of judgment. Intimacy feels like small moments of closeness woven together: a lingering glance across the room, shared laughter over something small, a gentle touch that says “I’m here with you.” It brings a quiet confidence that we’re in this together, even when life feels uncertain or heavy. Some would say its contentment, or the quiet knowing that we are loved, chosen, and safe in our partnership.
Things that can help build or rebuild intimacy:
· Turning towards each other’s bids for connection - those small moments when our partner reaches out, through a touch, a sigh, or a simple comment about their day. Responding with presence and curiosity nurtures closeness.
· Creating space for honest, vulnerable conversations - even when they’re uncomfortable or hard.
· Expressing appreciation and gratitude daily - noticing and naming what we value about each other.
· Staying curious - continuing to learn about our partner’s thoughts, feelings, fears, dreams, and day-to-day experiences, even after years together.
· Repairing ruptures well - addressing hurts, misunderstandings, or resentments before they harden into disconnection.
· Nurturing friendship – prioritizing joy, playfulness, and companionship alongside our romantic and logistical roles.
Intimacy doesn’t require grand gestures or perfect communication. It is about showing up with intention, empathy, and care - in the small, ordinary moments.
Free Resource: Lighthearted Couples Activity to Build Connection
If you want to practice building intimacy and deepen your connection, I’ve created a free couple’s activity: “Would You Rather (Relationship Edition)” - inspired by relational prompts designed to foster closeness and understanding.
Use it during a cozy evening, afternoon coffee date, or your next intentional check-in to reconnect with presence and curiosity.
If tapping back into intimacy seems overwhelming, or leaves you wondering where the hell do we start, reach out today!
Resources:
Panganiban, K. (2025, May 15). Fondness, admiration, and intimacy. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/fondness-admiration-and-intimacy/
Rusnak, K. (2024, June 24). The magic ratio: the key to relationship satisfaction. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-ratio-the-key-to-relationship-satisfaction/
The Gottman Institute. (2025, June 26). The Gottman Institute | Relationships. https://www.gottman.com/
