Holiday Scripts: Unlearning the Roles We Play at Family Gatherings

The season of clients traveling and “reporting live from the scene of the crime” has begun. And with it, a familiar theme has started to show up: how different people feel when they go home for the holidays. Even the most grounded, emotionally aware adults describe an almost gravitational pull the second they step into a familiar childhood space, or are back around their people of origin.

Some say, “I walked in the door and instantly felt fourteen”, or “I don’t even mean to, but I become the referee when all the inevitable arguments start up.”

It’s such a common universal experience, that family systems theorists have been describing it for decades:

We all grow up inside family systems with unwritten scripts.
Roles we didn’t audition for, but slipped into because the system needed balance, predictability, or peace.

And during the holidays, when traditions, old dynamics, and muscle memory collide, those scripts can reactivate before we even notice.

Why Family Roles Develop (and Why They Stick)

Family systems theory stems from Murray Bowen’s original work and shows that roles emerge because families, like all systems, seek stability. When stress, conflict, or unpredictability exists, the system adapts by assigning roles, often unconsciously, to maintain balance.

These roles can include (and some may intertwine):

• The Responsible One/Parentified Child – takes on tasks or emotional labor to stabilize the family.

• The Peacekeeper – manages tension, smooths conflict, keeps everyone “okay”.

• The Fixer – steps in to solve problems or rescue others.

• The Achiever – brings pride, distracts from dysfunction.

• The Quiet One – stays small to avoid adding to the family’s emotional load.

• The Rebel – acts out the conflict others don’t express.

Research in family systems (Bowen, 1978; Kerr & Bowen, 1988) and structural family therapy (Minuchin, 1974) show that these roles emerge in predictable ways - often shaped by birth order, family anxiety levels, cultural expectations, and how emotional closeness or distance is managed within the system.

And roles don’t dissolve just because we grow up.
The family system has a long memory.
And holidays - full of tradition, routine, and nostalgia - often pull us right back in.

Holiday Scripts: How Roles Reactivate

The moment we walk into our childhood home, or are back around our family system, a familiar script can begin playing:

• The Responsible One starts organizing, anticipating needs, taking care of details.

• The Peacekeeper senses tension across the room and steps in before conflict surfaces.

• The Fixer notices who’s unhappy and tries to ease it.

• The Achiever feels pressure to give updates that “sound impressive.”

• The Rebel braces for criticism and becomes reactive.

• The Quiet One becomes quieter.

These patterns are adaptive roles - strategies we once used to stay connected, safe, or valued in our family system.

But as Bowen theory emphasizes, when a system is under pressure (which holidays often create), everyone’s differentiation - the ability to remain yourself in the presence of others - temporarily decreases.
Cue the old familiar bullshit.

These are all indicators of fusion (in Bowen terms) - when a person’s functioning becomes intertwined with the family’s emotional state.

Awareness isn’t the whole solution, but it’s the doorway to bringing us into the present so we can decide how we want to show up.

Unlearning Old Roles: A Different Way to Show Up

Increasing awareness fuels empowerment and allows us to widen our choices, which can be valuable in providing us support when we feel overwhelmed by our role in the family patterns.

Let’s throw out some practical tools:

1. Notice and Name the Role Before the Gathering

Bowenian theory emphasizes that patterns lose power when made conscious. Once we can name the role we tend to slip into, we create just enough psychological distance to make a different choice. Even a moment of awareness - Oh, this is the part of me that tries to keep everyone calm - can soften the pull of old dynamics. Roles aren’t inherently bad. Some develop out of natural strengths or our personality characteristics ex: (the peacekeeper brings empathy; the fixer is resourceful).

Ask yourself:

• “What role do I tend to play when I’m back home?”

• “What behavior do I default to when I feel anxious or stressed around family?”

• “Is there any piece of this role that is still healthy for me?”

• “Which part of this role isn’t good for me that I’d like to shift or change?”

*Journaling or simply pausing to notice when these things ‘typically’ start to pop up, or what is happening prior, can help interrupt the automatic loop and give us a chance to respond, not reenact.

Why it helps:
Naming patterns increases differentiation - supporting clearer thinking and more choice-driven behavior (Kerr & Bowen, 1988).

2. Practice Small Differentiation Moves

This doesn’t have to be dramatic boundary setting or emotional cut-off. Or even something that immediately stands out to others around us.
But small acts of staying in our character and remaining aligned with our personal values, outside of our family system, is important. Differentiation grows through small, repeated behaviors that gradually shift the system’s expectations.

Below are role-specific ways to interrupt old patterns and practice a new internal script:

The Responsible One / Parentified Child

Typical Pull: taking on tasks, organizing, anticipating needs, managing the emotional climate.
Small Differentiation Moves:
• Pause before responding when someone hints they “need” something.
• Let others take responsibility for their own moods or logistics.
• Excuse yourself when you feel yourself slipping into caretaker mode (“I’m going to step outside for a breather,” “I need to run to the store”).
• Speak only for what you can genuinely offer, not what you think is expected.
Affirmation: “It’s not my job to hold everything together” or “Others are capable, even if they do it differently than I would.”

The Peacekeeper

Typical Pull: smoothing conflict, softening tension, keeping everyone “okay.”
Small Differentiation Moves:
• Don’t mediate conflict unless someone directly asks - and even then, assess if it’s yours to hold.
• Share a genuine feeling instead of a polished, neutral update.
• Take a short break if the room’s emotional temperature rises (“I’m going to get some air—be right back”).
Affirmation: “Discomfort does not automatically equal danger” or “I don’t have to manage everyone’s emotions for this to be okay.”

The Fixer

Typical Pull: solving problems, rescuing, over-functioning when someone is struggling.
Small Differentiation Moves:
• Pause before offering solutions, wait to see if advice is actually requested.
• Let others sit with their own frustration without stepping in.
• Use a grounding break when the urge to fix becomes overwhelming (“I need to grab something from my car-back in a few”).
Affirmation: “I can care without taking over” or “Their problem does not mean I have to provide the answer.”

The Achiever

Typical Pull: performing, achieving, providing good news, being the “bright spot.”
Small Differentiation Moves:
• Share a real, softer, or less polished update.
• Notice when you’re overexplaining or overpreparing—and choose brevity.
• Excuse yourself when you feel performance pressure rising (“I’m going to take a quick walk—be right back”).
Affirmation: “I can feel pride in myself without approval-seeking” or “I am allowed to simply be, not impress.”

The Quiet One

Typical Pull: shrinking, staying silent, “not adding to the load.”
Small Differentiation Moves:
• Speak for yourself clearly once or twice in a conversation without apologizing.
• Share one opinion or preference (“Actually, I’d prefer…”).
• Step away when you begin emotionally disappearing (“I’m going to stretch my legs for a minute”).
Affirmation: “My presence is not a burden” or “I can take up a little more space and still be safe.”

The Rebel

Typical Pull: acting out unspoken tension, expressing what others don’t, reacting rather than choosing.
Small Differentiation Moves:
• Pause before the reflexive joke, jab, or provocative comment.
• Share how you actually feel instead of the counter-move emotion (sarcasm → honesty).
• Take a micro-break before responding when you feel cornered or criticized.
Affirmation: “I can be different without causing chaos” or “Being myself doesn’t require fighting the system.”

*Important things to note:

We can’t overhaul family dynamics in one holiday season, or sometimes at all.

Expecting change in others often leads to disappointment, but creating small changes in our role can have a ripple effect to others - or at least allow us the peace of knowing we didn’t participate in the things that don’t work for us.
Family systems theory emphasizes that if one person changes how they participate, the entire system subtly reorganizes (Bowen, 1978). Research on role renegotiation shows that partial, intentional change is more sustainable than trying to transform everything at once (Nichols, 2013).

Expect emotional pushback – and try not to interpret it as hopeless or a failure. When roles shift, systems resist. This is normal. We may hear:

“Why are you being quiet?”
“You’re usually the one who handles that.”
“Don’t start now.”
“You’re being sensitive.”

Resistance is typical, systems like anything else lean toward familiarity for comfort. And most people don’t adjust to change well, particularly if they don’t share the experience or perspective that it hasn’t been working well for them/the family. Every person in each system has their own unique experience and bias, pushback doesn’t mean the shift isn’t in our best interest or that of the families…but often someone rocking the boat stirs up feelings for others. Be okay with the disappointment and resistance to change.

Acceptance: Letting Go of What We Can’t Rewire in the System

One of the hardest truths in family systems work is this:
We can shift or change our role, but we cannot change the entire system.

Bowen theory reminds us that every family member has their own level of readiness, differentiation, and emotional capacity. Some are open to growth. Some resist it. Some are doing the best they can within the limits of their own history and patterns. And some may never shift at all.

Awareness doesn’t guarantee change in others, but it does create room for acceptance.

Acceptance is not approval or agreement. It’s not pretending things are healthy when they aren’t.
It’s the quiet acknowledgement that:

• We cannot make someone communicate differently.

• We cannot force a family member to self-reflect.

• We cannot control others’ capacity for emotional work.

• We cannot rewrite someone else’s role, only our own.

And paradoxically, this kind of acceptance often brings a sense of levity. It softens the pressure and releases the weight of unrealistic expectations.

Acceptance says: “I see this system clearly. I understand my place in it. And I choose to participate differently - regardless of whether anyone else does.”

This shift is backed by research:
Studies on family differentiation show that emotional health improves not when the system changes, but when one person stops organizing around others’ anxiety and over-functioning (Kerr & Bowen, 1988). Acceptance becomes an anchor - keeping us steady even when the system moves in familiar, predictable ways.

Rewriting the Script

We don’t have to blow up family traditions or confront every pattern.
We don’t have to be a totally new person this holiday season. Families run on old scripts. But scripts can be edited and roles can shift.

If You Need Support

If you’re noticing old roles resurfacing and wanting to step into the holidays with clearer boundaries and a stronger sense of self, therapy can help. Together, we can identify family patterns, strengthen your differentiation, and help you create new ways of showing up.

References:

Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aronson.

Coan, J. A., & Sbarra, D. A. (2015). Social baseline theory: The social regulation of risk and effort. Current Opinion in Psychology, 1, 87–91. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2014.12.021

Kerr, M. E., & Bowen, M. (1988). Family evaluation: An approach based on Bowen theory. W. W. Norton.

Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and family therapy. Harvard University Press.

Nichols, M. P. (2013). Family therapy: Concepts and methods (10th ed.). Pearson.