It's Not All About Us: How Curiosity Decreases Reactivity
On my walk this week I was considering something that comes up often in the therapy room, opinions of others, what is and is not within our control, and the question: How much weight, importance, and impact are we allowing those external things to have on our internal world?
It’s one thing to acknowledge that we can’t control others. That’s something we’ve all heard for ages, particularly from our older and wiser mentors. But it takes additional awareness to really examine how much we allow other’s words, opinions, or ways of living to influence or shape our own thoughts, beliefs, and sense of self. I’ve been guilty of it leading to unnecessary sensitivity and personalization, and I work with clients frequently caught in the same trap.
What’s Happening?
Most of us have seen a pretty pivotal swing in recent years. We’re more connected than ever, constantly exposed to other people’s thoughts, opinions, and ways of living - through conversations, social media, and the general pace of information coming at us. And with that, there’s been a noticeable shift: we’re paying attention to everyone, absorbing everything, and often interpreting it through a much more sensitive lens than we used to. Was that intended to directly target me?
That increased awareness isn’t inherently a bad thing. In many ways, it’s helped create more openness, more accountability, and more space for conversations that matter. But there’s also been a trade-off. When everything feels personal, everything starts to feel impactful. When every difference is closely examined, it can begin to feel like a threat rather than just…difference.
Psychologically, this connects to what’s often referred to as distress tolerance - our ability to sit with discomfort without immediately reacting, shutting down, or needing to change what’s happening. As a culture, we’ve gotten better at identifying discomfort, but not always better at staying in it. We HATE distress, life is already hard enough damnit. But the result is that we can become quicker to internalize, quicker to respond, and less practiced in allowing multiple perspectives to exist without needing resolution.
Work from Brené Brown touches on this in a nuanced way, highlighting that while vulnerability and emotional awareness are essential, they require grounding. Without that grounding, heightened sensitivity can turn into over-identification with what others say or do. Over-identification is the tendency to become so mentally and emotionally entangled with a thought, feeling, or external input that it starts to feel like a fixed truth or a core part of who we are.
Without the ability to hold discomfort and experience multiple experiences at once, it becomes harder to tolerate perspectives that don’t align with our own. Instead of engaging with curiosity, we may move toward defensiveness, personalization, or quick judgment.
When we feel significantly impacted, or even intruded on, by someone else’s ideas or behavior, it’s worth pausing and looking at both sides.
Let’s Create a Clear Line:
Yes, sometimes people’s actions are genuinely harmful or disruptive. But other times, what we’re experiencing is the friction between differences: values, perspectives, communication styles, or life choices that don’t align with our own.
And that distinction matters, a lot.
From a mental and emotional health standpoint, maintaining a sense of internal integrity requires awareness of how external input filters into our internal narrative. Some of us are highly sensitive to the opinions and subjective ideas of others (me!). Without realizing it, we can start to absorb those perspectives, allowing them to shape our confidence, our decisions, and how we move through the world.
This is where the work becomes both protective and honest.
Protective - because we need boundaries around what we internalize. And quick reminder, boundaries are things we ourselves implement to stay aligned with what best advocates for our alignment…NOT rules or obligations we enforce or demand of others.
Honest - because as a person existing in community with others, we also need to examine how we interpret and judge those outside of ourselves.
Research from Brené Brown highlights how quickly we assign meaning to other people’s behavior, often filling in gaps with our own assumptions, fears, or insecurities. In her work on vulnerability and belonging, she emphasizes that discomfort with differences can trigger shame-based narratives - both about ourselves and others - if we’re not actively aware of it.
Similarly, Adam Grant explores how we engage with differing perspectives, particularly in his work on “rethinking.” He points out that many of us default to protecting our existing beliefs rather than staying open and curious. When we encounter someone who thinks or behaves differently, we can quickly shift into judgment instead of inquiry.
And that’s where things can get distorted.
Because not every difference is harmful.
How Do We Challenge for Change?
A useful question becomes:
Is this actually causing harm - or is it challenging my preference, my comfort, or my perspective?
There’s a meaningful difference between behavior that has real negative consequences for others, and behavior that simply doesn’t align with how we would choose to live. When we blur that line, we risk over-attributing intent. We start to interpret difference as disrespect, disagreement as threat, and individuality as wrongdoing.
At the same time, this reflection goes both ways.
If we’re deeply impacted by others’ opinions, it’s worth asking:
Why does this carry so much weight for me?
Is this touching on something I already feel uncertain about?
Am I outsourcing my sense of self to external validation or critique?
Building internal confidence doesn’t mean becoming rigid or dismissive of others. It means developing the ability to stay grounded in your values while still engaging with a wide range of perspectives.
This is especially important in a culture that can sometimes amplify sensitivity without equally strengthening resilience.
We’ve become quicker to react, quicker to label, and sometimes quicker to assume harm where there may only be difference.
That doesn’t mean dismissing real harm - it means becoming more discerning.
It means learning how to:
tolerate discomfort without immediately needing to resolve or eliminate it
consider perspectives that don’t match our own
stay anchored in our values without imposing them onto others
and choose where we genuinely need to take a stand
Because not everything requires a reaction.
Not everything requires internalization.
And not everything is about us (thank god).
Holding awareness of what is ours - and what isn’t.
Protecting our internal world - without closing ourselves off.
Respecting differences - without abandoning our own values.
That’s where both personal stability and relational maturity start to take shape. And in order to exist in a world with others, it is our responsibility to balance both.
Great note: Brené Brown (research professor and social work scholar) and Adam Grant (organizational psychologist) recently shared on the Today Show that they didn’t speak for four years after a personal fallout. Their decision to reconnect and collaborate again offers a perfect example of how even strong, thoughtful people can navigate significant differences, repair disconnection, and rebuild mutual respect over time.
Their individual and collaborative work is referenced below!
References:
Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.
Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the heart: Mapping meaningful connection and the language of human experience. Random House.
Brown, B., & Grant, A. (2021, February 23). Brené Brown on what vulnerability isn’t (No. 4) [Audio podcast episode]. In ReThinking with Adam Grant. TED Audio Collective. https://www.ted.com/pages/brene-brown-on-what-vulnerability-isnt-transcript
Brown, B., & Grant, A. (Hosts). (2026). The curiosity shop with Brené Brown and Adam Grant [Audio podcast]. Vox Media Podcast Network. https://podcasts.voxmedia.com/show/the-curiosity-shop
Brené Brown, & Adam Grant. (2024). Brené Brown & Adam Grant in conversation [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1tuD5j75zM
Grant, A. (2021). Think again: The power of knowing what you don’t know. Viking.
Interested in working through some of this in a therapeutic space? Reach out below:
